Parenting Milestones Not Yet Experienced: a Life List

1. Cough Barf
2. Sleep Vomit
3. Car Puke
3A. Middle of Nowhere with Inadequate Supplies
3B. Rush Hour Traffic
4. Inescapable Public Tantrum
5. Inconsolable Airplane Baby
6. Baby’s First ER Visit
7. Baby’s First Scar
8. Baby’s First Broken Bone
9. Inappropriate Commentary on Stranger’s Physical Appearance
10. Unassisted Diaper Removal
10A. Full.
10B. Artistic.

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11 Responses to Parenting Milestones Not Yet Experienced: a Life List

  1. Swistle says:

    I’d also add “Needs to Pee / There is Nowhere Authorized for Peeing.”

  2. Michelle says:

    I’ve got 1-3 locked down. After the first 4 car pukes (Peanut gets car sick pretty easily) I finally learned: carry gallon size zip lock bags on extended trips. They come in handy. Also, I’ve had a kid puke in the same bed I’m sleeping in. Luckily I had enough warning to get out of dodge.

  3. HereWeGoAJen says:

    Okay, let’s see. I’ve had 1-5. We have public tantrums far too often. I dragged her screaming across the entire length of the mall last week in fact. I am shocked that we haven’t been to the ER yet. (Although a less “eh, you’ll be fine” mother would have taken her for the split open lip. I took her to the ped the next day and got told that they can’t do anything about those after a certain number of hours have passed.)

    No scars, I think. I should check the inside of that busted lip. No broken bones, which is amazing if you knew her. She does the inappropriate public comments a lot but none have been mortifying yet. Trick or treating this year, she called a woman with short hair a man and kept correcting me. And we used to have unassisted diaper removal every single nap time when she was giving up her nap and I didn’t want to admit it. Once she even removed the insert and folded down the laundry tabs. Does that count as artistic?

    You need to add Couch Peed On, Pooped on Toys, and shut down the community pool by puking in it. (The neighbor kid did that one. Not Elizabeth. Yet.) Oh and naked in public. I turned around in Walmart last year to find her stripping down in the cart.

    • snoozical says:

      “Artistic” was actually a cop out from writing “poop painting on the walls.” Not that that has happened to anyone I know. Right.

  4. Veronica says:

    Oh man, you have a lot to look forward to. My kid is good with the puke and lots of ER shenanigans. She’s a firecracker. Good luck!

  5. 1. Check (1/2)
    2. Check (2/2)
    3. Check, but only B (1/2)
    4. Check times a million, worst was on a plane (1/2)
    5. Ah, there it is. With two kids and only one parent (me!), and the potty trained one peed her pants when the wheels came down. It was pretty much my idea of hell. (2/2)
    6. Not yet (0/2)
    7. Check (1/2)
    8. Not yet (0/2)
    9. Technically no, but the last time I was out with my nephew he said REALLY LOUDLY and MULTIPLE TIMES that the lady in the bathroom was in a wheelchair because she was SO OLD. (0/2)
    10. Check, but thankfully neither full nor artistic (1/2)

    This is kind of depressing because all of those 1/2’s remind me that Lucia still has far to go.

    • snoozical says:

      Hey, I have a ways to go too. Though conspicuously absent on my list is Pooped on in Public, because yeah, that definitely happened at a winery an hour from my house.

  6. Lisa says:

    I’ve been a mother for 19 years (gaaaaaaaaaaholdnesskillitwithfire) and have not dealt with 3, 8, or 10. WINNING.

  7. I’ve had all of these happen to me but #8. Obvs have talented children. As for the comment on a stranger’s appearance, apparently the first time my brother saw a white woman (in India), he screamed his fool head off because he thought she was a ghost. It never stops being funny.

  8. K says:

    We’ve only accomplished 1, 6, and 7. Sadly, Ezra has nailed the Cough Barf and Iris the Scars. They are overachievers.

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