Going Down Swinging/Whining

It is 6:30 am on Saturday, and I am already having a day. I seem to have reached the phase of pregnancy where I am sleeping poorly. I don’t really remember when this happened last time, but it culminated in me being incapable of working a full day without a nap, and ultimately getting my membranes stripped five days shy of 40 weeks because I was falling apart. While I will possibly feel guilty about for the rest of eternity (I took the baby out of the oven before it was done cooking! AHHH! Everything bad that ever happens to her is my fault!).

Sleep is my thing. I mean, obviously, it is sort of important to me. I’m not saying that it’s more important for me than it is for you or you or you, but maybe yes I am. Kevin, god bless the man, seems to understand this fully, and does his best to send me to bed early even if there are chores he’ll have to do alone because of it. But early is getting ridiculous over here – I think the responsible thing for me to do, now, is to push my bed time back to 8. EIGHT. That is not cool. I know I didn’t take such drastic measures last time, though it is plausible I should have. I hate going to bed so early – I don’t get any fun evening time to hang out with my husband (or anyone else), I can’t do anything much productive.

And it feels like an awful waste, because I’m not sleeping well. I know that is WHY I should go to bed early, but ugh. Last night I was up completely for three hours (1-4), and slept fitfully otherwise, and actually punched Kevin for BREATHING too loud. Yes, he snored kind of quietly for a few minutes, but after that he was really just breathing. And I totally punched him. And then I threw something at the cat for purring. Because I hate joy, and I hate other people sleeping successfully when I am not.

And that’s the thing – when I’m not sleeping well, I end up in a negativity spiral (also this) and everything is terrible, so here are the things I am freaking out about this morning, that are all either irrational or unproductive to freak out about, and I know this, but I cannot stop, because I AM TIRED HULK SMASH.

1. Our favorite cat will not stop peeing on the carpet. In the living room. In my closet. Multiple times a day. She does not have any medical issues. She is doing it for fun (read: probably because Eliza stresses her the fuck out).  I am starting to struggle with cleaning the carpet often/thoroughly enough (because: shaped like a bowling ball, I do not bend well). Kevin’s schnozz/sinus situation means he can’t smell it, therefore not a good candidate for cleaning it up. My house is starting to smell like cat pee. I cancelled on having friends for dinner on Sunday because my house SMELLS, someone just shoot me.

2. Running is getting really hard – I had to run/walk at the gym this week, and OF COURSE it was the week I finally run into coworkers there, and there I am flailing on the treadmill, WHATEVER – and so I am, obviously, convinced I will now gain another 20-30 pounds in the remaining three months (less than! holy shit!) of this pregnancy, and never lose it, and oh god everything will be terrible. EVEN THOUGH last time that didn’t happen, and last time I didn’t even bother running or anything else, and I can still do other stuff, and whatever – YOU try to maintain rational thought in the face of upper arm cellulite. JUST TRY. It doesn’t work.

3. Work is a rollercoaster – I’m going to get hired soon! But only part time so it’s a financial wash or even hit! But woo, flexible schedule and correct valuation of my time/worth! But wait, sequestration means I might get “furloughed” for a month and half holy shit instead of getting hired anytime soon! Oh but we found a little extra money so it should be fine, just delay actually hiring me! GAH. Things should be fine. Our grant will get funded, of this I am sure, it’s just the timing is all effed up and unnecessarily stressful, thank you congress. But it is making shit hard – I’m not sure I’ll be able to get students this summer, I’m not sure I’ll get officially hired before the baby comes (which means I’m not sure I’ll get maternity leave, but screw you world, I’m taking maternity leave this time, I don’t even care what you say slash pay me for).

4. Our wonderful, fantastic nanny will NOT STOP buying shit for our kid. We have asked her not to, from multiple angles, and yet. I understand, I do – I impulse buy stuff for E sometimes. Clothes, toys, I get it. But, oh. We have too much stuff. I feel bad when I want to get rid of stuff and some of it was purchased by my nanny, my nanny who I am perfectly aware doesn’t make much money because we are constantly trying to re-budget so we can pay her more (but oh god, see #3). So she is spending her hard earned cash on stuff for my kid. Stuff my kid does not need. Sometimes stuff we don’t like. And really, all that aside, we are starting to get to that point where we are worried about spoiling E, about E growing up always having everything she wants immediately, and even stuff she doesn’t want. We have PLENTY of toys, PLENTY of clothes. We don’t need anything else. I mean there are toys all over this house, and she doesn’t play with half of them. Once the newness wears off, it gets chucked in a corner and she is back to her old standbys – balls, the mailing tube, the dish towels. Ugh so anyways, I don’t want to hurt our nanny’s feelings, but how how HOW do we get this to stop?

5. When should our parents come visit? I’m due June 19th. They will be road tripping. Should they show up early to hang out with Eliza before her world gets flipped upside down? Should they show up once the baby is here? Last time mom and MIL were in the delivery room, which was surprisingly a) fine with me, and b) actually kind of nice, and also c) I think they found it meaningful/cool, so I wouldn’t necessarily mind doing that again. But baby timing! Is so mysterious! I am too type A for trying to schedule a mysterious event that could theoretically occur sometime in a five week window omg!

6. Our yard needs a team of professionals to deal with the weeds and put down new weed guard and oh my god I am not mature enough to own a house. Also, I’m just sure that the roof will cave in or some major appliance will explode/stop working at a critical juncture in the next several months, because obviously. My money is on the refrigerator. No, the air conditioner. I can’t pick.

7. I’ll save you this part, but insert a bunch of increasingly absurd things to worry about, like whether we are ruining our child with electronics, or how we will deal with it when she starts texting and using social media, or if we are saving enough for college, or retirement, or AHHH NEGATIVITY SPIRAL SAVE ME.

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14 Responses to Going Down Swinging/Whining

  1. Erica says:

    Oh my goodness, hang in there. We used to have cats and one peed on our best wool rug for funsies. We had to get rid of the rug, when i rolled it up to take it outside it was soaked. I can see how carpet is more problematic. Once they pee on it, it is officially their litter box. Cats are so crazy. I am a bad person but I don’t miss them for one second and they were the sweetest cat in the world.

    The nanny toy thing is hard. My mom gives Anna crappy toys/clothes and I just give/throw them away. But the nanny is there every day. Hence! You bag it up and put it away and tell her you are rotating toys but then you secretly get rid of them little by little. I don’t think you can stop the buying.

    Sleep is hard. No good ideas there. Way to punch your husband.

    Exercise… Do what you can. Don’t beat yourself up from this point until the second baby is at least a year old. You are entering the body twilight zone. Dude, arm cellulite is the least of your worries. I will consider myself winning every day I don’t accidentally crap my pants and I think that’s a good measure for anyone really.

    XO

  2. Shalini says:

    I feel like I’m juuuuust getting my head out of the negativity spiral and it lasted so, SO long. I’m sorry that it seems to have shaken off and landed on you. Blah. And I have no advice on any of it, but the whole job thing is so tough. This is writing, too. “I’m sure you’re going to get a contract for this!” But…but what if I *don’t*? Months of work for…gah. I can’t even go there. HUGS. And DOUGHNUTS.

    • snoozical says:

      I am eating a really absurdly large helping of apple crisp and feeling much better. Let’s never do one of these dumb spirals again, ok?

  3. Anne says:

    Pregnancy insomnia hitting someone with narcolepsy is THE WORST. Okay, there are probably worse things out there, but it FELT like the worst and I was pretty sure I was going to either die or kill T/the cats for daring to sleep. I wish I had a solution other than going to bed stupid early but…well. I’m sorry.

    Do you use natures miracle where the cat has peed when you clean? We found that to be the only thing that would help. If there are regular locations feliway plug-ins nearby could help, and oddly aluminum foil covering the most-often soild spots kept our idiot cat from peeing there. Cats can’t stand the texture and sound of foil or something? We left it there for like a week and she never peed there again. Maybe it just kept her off it long enough for the nature’s miracle to work, but whatever. I’m probably not telling you anything you haven’t thought of and/or tried, but it’s all I got. Maybe I should just send you some nose plugs? Or a dog. Didn’t the old lady swallow a dog to catch the cat (to catch the bird to catch the spider to catch the fly)? Probably not worth the dog-care effor though. Hmm.

    • snoozical says:

      Narcolepsy! So dumb! Terrible idea! And thanks for the cat suggestions. We are trying some things this weekend.

  4. Jesabes says:

    I’m just going to commiserate with you and say the world fucking sucks.

  5. K says:

    If T knew how often his snoring caused me to wish death upon him, he probably would stop upping his life insurance.

  6. Audrey says:

    I was in a big-time negativity spiral over the last few days, all sleep-depreviation related, and it was awful and I’m sorry you have to experience it too.

    Regarding technology and its child-ruining possibilities, a friend who has 2-year-old twins and also teaches pre-school recently gave this book RAVE reviews: “Into the Minds of Babes: How Screen Time Affects Children From Birth to Age Five” by Lisa Guernsey. I haven’t had a chance to pick it up yet, but maybe it’ll help you with Eliza? Based on my friednd’s review, I get the impression the book offers a lot of good advice on using technology as a tool to improve (rather than ruin) children.

  7. I feel like you are I are very similar when it comes to sleep. Lack of sleep turns me into a different person. I cannot deal with ANYTHING! The littlest thing can push me right into tears! I reach for thoughts and they have floated away into the brain haze! But the worst? The WORST is the anxiety spiral. I… don’t have anything useful to say. Just that I understand and UGH I am not looking forward to the Trouble Sleeping phase, or the phase after that, when the baby arrives and I hear the sleep just goes right out the window.

    Hang in there. An eight o’clock bedtime sounds deliciously lovely – I hope it becomes doable!

    • snoozical says:

      So, I know it varies for everyone, but for what it’s worth, I immediately started sleeping better once the baby was OUT. Like, sure, a teeny human was waking me up regularly, but when I got the opportunity? I was PASSED OUT. And it was amazing.

  8. Jessica says:

    I had pregnancy insomnia! It was awful and I took a Unisom every night. It helped, although some nights were not as good as others.

    I second the rotating toy idea to help curb the toy situation but I have no idea what you can do to stop her from buying them.

  9. Pingback: State of the Incubator – 29 weeks » snoozical

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