Hazel had a bad night, and I am in a terrible awful mood. Well, that’s not entirely true, because Jess had her baby last night (Annika! So cute and perfect!) and this has left me filled with palpable joy but also I have some rage because why do cats meow in the night? And why don’t dudes lactate? And why do I have such princessy sleep requirements? Whyyyyyy.
Anyways, obviously this isn’t the best foundation for me to do any Serious Pondering, but all these feelings aren’t just going to sit around in my brain, quietly whiling away the hours while I carry on with my day. No, they must be FELT. The result of this, so far, is that I have been awake for five hours at 9:00 am, and I am just so tired. I am stealing glances at the clock every few minutes, while Eliza and Kevin play, and Hazel noms on her toes, and I’m ignoring all of the opportunities in front of me for fun and enjoyment and productivity in favor of counting down the hours until bed time. How ridiculous is that?
There are a number of very obvious flaws to this tack: the minutes pass a hell of a lot slower when I’m being a grouchy clock watcher; it’s not as if there is any guarantee that I will get more rest tonight or that tomorrow will be magically better; and when Mama is being a self indulgent jerkwad, that brings everyone else down and makes the day actually, objectively harder and less pleasant.
Ok, so I KNOW I need to snap my ass out of it, I do. It’s not helping! It is actively making things worse! And yet, here I sit, grumbling. I wish I could go running (I am trying hard not to succumb to an exercise/exorcise pun, here), but my ankle is still hosed.
(It’s messed up from when I sprained it right before Hazel was born, but actually the sprain healed totally in just a few weeks. But I have an extra bone – accessory navicular – and now severe tendonitis that flared when I sprained it. I got a cortisone shot on Thursday so hopefully that will help reset the whole mess, because I really think some cardio might be good for my brain at this point.)
ANYWAYS, the point of all this grumbling is mostly… well, I really hate spending time with this mindset, counting down hours instead of trying to enjoy them. I’ve got happy babies and a lovely husband and good friends.
Whew. Kevin helped me take a three (3) hour nap, and I am feeling human again. I think all that bumbling up there still stands, it just doesn’t seem quite so tragic to me now. Also all these children are a lot cuter after some sleep. Perhaps a family trip to the park is in order.